ON BEING CONTENT

22 Oct ON BEING CONTENT

Some of us loathe the idea of being content; when I see some of my clients suffering and I introduce the idea of working toward being content, they look at me alarmed, asking if I’m promoting a “loser” mentality.  Lots of us equate the idea of being content with giving up trying and striving.  It’s as if being content could irreversibly throw people into the abyss of mediocrity.  If I ask what’s wrong with “being good enough,” some see it as a threat, as if I was planning to change them into a mush of self-contented underachievers.

In our work together, we often unpack the underlying belief that “if I am not on top, I am nobody, I am a loser.”

This is an important idea to explore.  As we look at this belief rationally, we eventually realize that this way of thinking is extreme, to say the least.  This “black and white thinking” turns your goals for success into an unreachable ideal.  This unreachable ideal dictates how one “should be” and one should always be on top.  When one does not find himself on top, which is unavoidable in the ups and downs of life, one becomes depressed, defeated, and deflated, loses motivation and hope.  With this frame of mind, even the smallest set backs are hard to absorb.  This rigid polarization makes some people feel constantly lacking and not good enough, constantly setting the bar higher to compensate for the increasingly slighted self-esteem.  With this ideal for unremitting excellence, one is bound to fail at his standards. Disappointment, increased anxiety and shame easily follow.  For these very intransigent people, the “ups” are the expected norm and the “downs” are the unacceptable failures.  This does not allow the person to fill in his “reservoir” of goodness, and as a consequence, he may feel empty, incompetent, and a fraud.   These people may be more accepting of other people’s flows, but intransigent and strict with themselves.  This pushes their energies more towards self-flagellation than wellbeing and growth.  Paradoxically, these are the people at risk of achieving less than their potential, or who may still achieve while living in misery, or causing misery to others.

I think there are two parts to the work that need to be kept in equilibrium.  First is embracing the go getter mentality that informs mainstream western culture which my patients often abide by.  But these aspirations need to be balanced by training the brain to correct unhelpful negative and catastrophic ways of thinking, to think rationally with realistic goals, and have perspective of one’s real worth.  This is the place for Cognitive Behavior Therapy.

Part two requires stepping out of our culture’s ideology of success, consumption, and purchasable happiness.  From patriarchy to capitalism with no race, class, age, or gender excluded. This ideology causes a tremendous amount of inadequacy in people, creating desires for things we lack and shame for not having them, leading to an elusive belief that one can achieve fullness.  We all size each other up on these terms.  We want the perfect body, the perfect age, the perfect education, the perfect wallet, the perfect social and personal life.  The natural given that we are imperfect and we will age and die is masked by the illusion that we could be less imperfect if only we acquired… and so we are hooked.  We may smile at the naiveté of the American Indians that, as the legend goes, sold this beautiful land for a few colored beads or a few dollars.  But we willingly agree to spend our days sitting at a desk eight hours per day (which will shorten our life span) in exchange for money to feed our illusory desires, buy our colorful beads and other symbols of power and success, protect ourselves from catastrophes we expect at every corner, and mask our shame.  There is no way to live outside this system.  Still, we need to get a grip on our emotions, our fears, shame, and sadness which this ideology manipulates.   We need to gain back our power and autonomy, in order to build a quiet space where we can cultivate a more authentic sense of satisfaction and happiness; a place where relationships between people, and between ourselves and our body, is primary.  This is the place where a modern psychodynamic approach, meditation, and mindfulness can be more helpful.